Trollface
by Alexius Meinong
Summary: One-shot. Nick goes trolling, but bites off more than he can chew.
Thursday night. Late. Nick Wilde was in his apartment, sitting through the last episode of a Top Iron Chef marathon. It was down to two remaining chefs: A pig and a boar.

"Chef Thyestes, Chef Aerope," the show host said, "on this tray sits your final ingredient. And the final ingredient is…"

The lid was removed, revealing thin, pink slices.

"...Canadian bacon!"

Nick turned the TV off just as screams began echoing from the speakers. "So bored… can't take anymore," he grumbled to himself. He flicked his phone on and browsed through Fox Twitter, clicking various links.

But the targeted ads started bugging him again.

"...LIKE RABBITS?" One ad insinuated in block Stencil. Three butterfaced bunny broads in cliche poses stared back at him.

"THE GAME GAME: PICK UP PREY ANIMALS," another read. The ad featured a smarmy old linx with his arm wrapped around a hare.

"COUNTRY ROAD, TAKE ME HOME." This one was accompanied by an image too vile to describe. Pixelation didn't help.

"Son of a bitch," Nick sighed.

Last week he'd browsed around online for Judy's birthday present. It turns out that when you put "bunny-sized bracelet" into a search engine, you pay a price: Targeted ad algorithms try to determine what kind of creeper stuff they can sell you.

They bugged Nick. He knew why, but didn't want to admit it to himself.

The next ad, contrary to expectation, made him pause.

"PlentyOfBuns: Rabbits Dating You." No accompanying image.

Now, in his former life, Nick was a conman. Everybody knew that, even his boss, his mom, and the mayor. What they didn't know was that Nick Wilde was a conman on the net, too. Except he didn't go for money; no, it was all thrill-of-the-hunt online.

Nick Wilde was a troll. A troll extraordinaire. And he had the itch.

Nick clicked the ad and was immediately transported to a sleek, Web 3.0 site. Grinning .png's of male and female bunny heads smiled at him from the top of the screen. As did a bunch of other ads.

"Site's free, you get what you pay for," he joked out loud. He read the secondary header:

"A site for rabbits and rabbit lovers in Zootopia. All are welcome. Make a profile today!"

Nick grinned.

"Yes. I. Will." Upon clicking the next link, he was asked to fill out a profile.

Email:

Nick decrypted a .wordpad file, used to keep track of two-hundred sham emails, and selected one of his favorites.

"LooseTiger at IceStationZebraAssociates dawt com," he pasted in.

Real name (Note: You must use your **real** name, no aliases):

Nick smirked as he entered: "Icestation Z. Ebraassociates."

Screen name (visible to potential matches!):

He stopped to ponder this one. Screen names, he recalled, are a mixture of psychology and typography. Gotta get the right mix, pull the right strings in the hearts and minds of unsuspecting troll-ees.

"What kind of demographic do I want to troll?" He asked himself. "Willing2Learn' would get me all of the coffee shop girls. 'Blessed_Betty' would let me lead packs of middle-aged bros into awkward existential encounters with one another."

Nick frowned. "But this site looks like easy pickings. I should make it more difficult for myself."

"Fox," Nick decided. Why not try it? The closer you cut to home, the more dangerous, yet effective, the troll-job becomes. He checked the screen name availability, and was surprised to find it open.

"That bodes... strangely," he admitted.

Gender (Trigger Warning: We just asked you your gender) or leave blank:

"Man," he chose. Cut closer to home.

I am a… (state your species) or leave blank:

"F" Nick typed, bringing up the site's autofill.

" _Ferret_." No fox? Nick thought. "Well, then…"

"Fox," he entered.

The next was a "check every box that applies" window.

Seeking a... (man bun/ny, woman bunny, or other, or not stated):

"Cast our nets wide," Nick repeated. He checked every box. All that was left was to see what turned up.

 _"FIND YOUR MATCHES! THOUSANDS OF BUNNIES LOOKING FOR YOU!"_

Nick clicked the _Find Your Matches_ button.

"Congratulations! We've looked through thousands of bunny profiles and found a whopping (1) profiles compatible with yours!"

" _One_? Woa woa woa," Nick sat straight up on the couch, his tail curling in indignation. "I didn't even do anything classless, yet!" This troll-job just got personal. Rule #3 of trolling: Never let it get personal. Never let them get to you.

Rules be damned. He tapped his phone, disgruntled.

Matches(1)(F)

 **MaketheWorldABetterPlace**

[Click to start chatting NOW!]

An amateur troll wouldn't have felt it. But Nick wasn't new to the game, and a lifetime of hustling told him to trust his gut while considering what the chances were.

He wanted to call Judy up right then to scold her. She should know better than to join some creepy site with bunny .png heads floating around, using a rather transparent alias; public figure, after all! They both were.

However, the troll itch was too strong, and she was naive prey. Plus, he'd be merciful, Nick reasoned. Why not torment your best friend just a little? He clicked _start chatting now._

Fox: Hey, I'm a fox. Nice to meet you.

Nick left to grab a bag of chips after writing his first message, setting his phone down on the couch armrest. He'd have to check the site over the next few days, he thought, to see if she'd bite. But being a troll meant putting the time in to get results.

When he returned to his phone, he was surprised to see a glowing green carrot in the chat window. When he clicked it, it said: "USER ONLINE."

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Well, look who's putting it all out there! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Nice to meet you, too. =D =D =D =D =D =D

"Someone else is bored of Top Iron Chef," Nick laughed, getting comfortable on the couch again.

Fox: Life is short. Plus, my _one match_ deserves the real me.

MaketheWorldaBetterPlace: …

MaketheWorldaBetterPlace: *&*#ers.

Nick resisted the urge to write: "Judy! 'Cheese and crackers' is bad enough, I can't handle actual profanity from you. Thank goodness for auto-censor."

Instead he settled for:

Fox: ? Care to enlighten me?

MaketheWorldaBetterPlace: "It's because you put 'Fx as your species

MaketheWorldaBetterPlace: *'Fox.' Sorry, on a phone

Fox: Me too, so no excuses!

Fox: Really, though, you're probably right about the fox thing. It depresses me.

Nick noticed that her responses took a lot longer than his. These Web 3.0 kids, he thought…

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Haha!

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: And yeah…

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: / (╹ૅ×╹ૅ)＼

Fox: Did you just type some kind of melted bunny into the chat?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Supposed to be a sad bunny

Fox: Yikes, Carrots. That's hideous.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Hold on

Nick did a double-take at his screen. "Son of a bitch!" He repeated his sentiment from earlier. He'd written _"Carrots."_ Not necessarily a giveaway, but it sure narrowed down the potential identities of "Fox." He'd gotten caught up in the flow of their regular banter! "Great care must be taken when trolling one's friends," Nick recited silently. Trolling isn't 'Nam, there are rules. Get yourself together, Wilde!

His phone began to buzz. The contact "Judy Hopps" popped up on the call screen.

"Shit," Nick cursed, running to his window and opening it to let in the loud city noises. Leaning against the window, he answered his phone.

"Hey, Nick, can I ask you a question? What are you doing right now?" Judy said over the line.

"Hi, yeah, in a hurry, go ahead, though," he stomped in place, and a bus horn wailed through the night, helping his ruse.

"Oh, you're walking around," Judy continued nervously, "uh, face probably buried in your phone like always, huh?"

"Not until now," Nick said, "on the bus, cramped, uncomfortable, etc."

"Oh," he heard Judy let out a breath on the other line. Time to really lay on the concealer, Nick thought. He switched his phone to multi-window and typed into the chat:

"Hey, you still there?"

He clicked the call window back open.

"...cause I dunno, I guess I just wanted to hear a friend's voice, too," he heard Judy finishing sadly as he resumed the call window.

"What?" He yelled, as if over loud passengers. "Can you say that last part again?"

"I said I miss my family, and I wanted to hear your voice."

Nick cooed before he could stop himself. "Oh, Judy. Hey, kid, why don't we-" he deliberately knocked over a couple of books on the windowsill, "-why don't you come over tomorrow night? We can figure out something to do, just the two of us."

He could almost hear her smile. "What about your plans?" She asked hopefully.

Nick answered quickly, as if pressed for time. "That's my Friday night plan. You, me, weird diner food or bowling or bad movies, or whatever. Anyway, gotta go! See you tomorrow morning."

"Mm, see you tomorrow. Thanks," she said earnestly. The call ended.

"Whoop! Still a troll master," Nick exclaimed. He switched his phone back to the chat window, crammed his maw full of victory chips, and read.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Sorry about that I was trying to figure out if I knew you! ;)

Fox: Do you?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Don't think so :P :P :P Ehh I don't know if I should still be on here

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: I just talked to someone and, I dunno

Nick smiled. Uh oh, can't lose her. Reel 'em back in!

Fox: So, setting aside the bad, why are you the one bunny who's fox-compatible on this site?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Ok good question. Well I have two friends who are foxes, one in Zootopia and one back home

Fox: Where's home?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Wouldn't you like to know ?!

Fox: Playing it safe. Admirable. So you've got a couple token fox friends, huh.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Jerk! Nono

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Real friends who happen to be foxes. They taught me to be open-minded. Anyway, I wanted to true everything and well here I am

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: *try

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Where are you from?

Fox: This city, my whole life.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: What do you do with yourself?

Fox: Ah? Wouldn't you like to know? Maybe we could find out.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: :O :D

Fox: Why this site?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: I thought this site would be for more open minded people but you can still filter by species, at least one way :(

Fox: Why any site?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Work eats my personal life irl For real

Nick laughed. Since giving up his old life, ain't it the truth.

Fox: Ain't it the truth, my new job is murder...

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Oh? I should arrest you :O

Fox: My luck to stumble across some FBI detective girl.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Just a regular Zootopia police officer!

Nick was pissed. Really, Judy? Totally out there to some strange creep on the internet?

Fox: So, I know who you are, now.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Haha I thought you would. Like you said put it all out there. My one match is worth it =P

Nick facepalmed on her behalf.

Fox: So now I know that Judy Hopps, the only bunny police officer in Zootopia, joined a site so that she could filter out everybody but foxes. To date them.

There was a five minute window where she didn't respond.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Please don't think about *&#%ing with me. Seriously. I worked for my %&$#

Nick blanched. Sheesh, Carrots.

Fox: Wouldn't dream of it.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: I don't know what to say, now

Fox: I respect you.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Oh? :/

Fox: Yeah, well, from what I see in the news, you're humble enough to retract mistakes, you try your best whether right or wrong, and you don't let species divide us. You have a fox partner, after all.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Yeah

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: That's why I don't know if I should be on here

Fox: Think he'd be pissed?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: If he knew? I dunnno probably not. Its a loyalty thing for me

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: *It's

Nick's heart raced, and he didn't want to admit why.

Fox: Loyalty to what?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: To my, well no offense, to my real 'one match' /3 :(

 _Hold up_. Nick held his breath.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Yeah I know I know

Fox: You're sure confiding a lot in me.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: *shrug* well you already know enough to make trouble, who cares at this point

Fox: So... have you always liked foxes?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Uuuugh should I say this

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: I've never found then unattractive but everything I especially like in fox

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: *them *foxes now

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: I think I like because I see something of him there

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: I filtered for foxes on this site because I thought I'd at least get to be with someone who gave me that spark, but I'm just being stupid again

Fox: So every fox reminds you of this guy?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Yeah when you say it like that… Maybe everything good in every fox I meet reminds me of him =| :P

Nick lost it. It was too much, too close.

Fox: Well, no offense, but you could do better. It's not about being a fox, it's about being dependable.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Hah ok ok nice try, but I really should go =/

Fox: He was a criminal, right?

Fox: You're gonna go in for promotions and whatnot, and that guy's past will be an albatross around your neck.

Fox: Plus, you know he'll &%$% up eventually. He's just another liar.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Yeah I know he'll $#&% up eventually

Nick growled at his phone. This was so stupid. Why would he go down this road in the first place? He balled up his now-empty bag of chips and chucked it at the wall.

"Ridiculous." Nick went to take a long shower, trying to forget the whole affair.

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: And if you run your mouth about my &$%#up fox or any of my friends I'll find a reason to track your ass down Got that? Out me for whatever out me for this conversation I don't care I'm ready to go are you ready to go

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Got that you filthy animal?

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: So that's how it i; my boy at the station is running your location punk proxies wont save you on your &%^$ smartphone U(ㅇㅅㅇ❀)U protect ur neck

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: …

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: You

MaketheWorldABetterPlace: Jerk

Nick's phone buzzed, and buzzed, Clawhauser's call info and Judy's call info alternating on the screen. He got out of the shower after about twenty minutes, put on a clean t-shirt and shorts, and finally plopped himself down in the living room for an even more depressing marathon of MoleSwap.

Then there was extremely loud pounding at the door.

"You—"

Nick started panicking. What was going on? He started reaching for his duty belt hanging behind the couch.

—Jerk!"

"Carrots?"

The door opened. Judy had a key.

She stomped in, phone in hand, pointing at Nick with anger written on her face.

Nick fell backwards. "Judy, what," he started, "No no, wait—"

"Stay where you are!" Judy cried, shaking.

Nick stopped scrambling, confused and scared. "What, what happened, what did I do?"

"You manipulated me!"

"Woa, woa, calm down—"

"You acted like it was nothing, you jerk, you and your aliases," she fumed.

Now Nick thought he understood.

"Yeah, we chatted, and I made sure you didn't know who I was," he spilled.

"No!" Judy seethed, "You said those things..."

"I said a lot of things," Nick admitted again.

"Those things about you!"

Judy dropped her phone and walked over to the couch. "Sit down next to me, right now," she ordered.

Nick climbed up from behind the couch and set it back upright. He looked at Judy, who only looked at the ground. They both sat down.

"I'm sorry, Carrots," Nick said.

Judy laughed quietly. "You know, I... I really don't take it personally when you lie about stupid stuff or play pranks," she said. "I guess you just never did it with anything I was invested in until now."

Nick sucked in a breath. "Judy, I never meant to hurt you, I thought we were going to have fun with it, really, but then I got…"

"...invested, too, I guess."

Judy sighed. "Hey, partner," she said, "I forgive you for still lying to me when it got serious. But I'll only forgive you for the other stuff when I see written on your face—"

She reached over to Nick, turning his head so that they were face to face.

"—That you know you aren't just a _liar_. I'll forgive you for lying as many times as it takes. And that you're not just a f… a screw up, not any more than we all are, than I am. And that your past self isn't as dramatically black-and-white terrible as you like to paint it in your own… wounded reflection since you joined the force!"

Nick held himself together; he saw she was about to crack. "I see it because you see it, buddy," he smiled sadly at her. And he meant it.

Judy slumped back into the couch.

"You know so _much_ , now," she groaned, covering her eyes with her paws.

Nick chuckled. "Yeah, I do. I really do."

Judy whined as she smacked him upside the head with her paw.

"Ow," Nick half-heartedly complained. He took Judy's paw in his.

"Carrots? Do you like MoleSwap? Because I hate it."

Judy's paw squeezed. "Hate it," she said.

He reached for the remote and flipped on the TV to the MoleSwap marathon.

Judy opened her eyes and they enjoyed the background noise.

"I'm scared to be loved by someone as up there as you," Nick tried to remark casually.

"Up there?"

"Like, an excellent animal. A 10, on the everything scale."

"Yeah, you scare me like that, too," Judy whispered. "But I never said I loved you."

Nick smirked. "Still on for tomorrow night?"

"Yes."


End file.
